[ Hei's learnt to live with racing currents of hatred and need and want snarling beneath his skin and never touching his surface. Learnt to deaden himself to the world, but never to turn his back or his face on it. This situation ... is completely beyond his frame of reference. Because he and Amber never discussed their situation. Never spoke about the repercussions of attraction and attachment. They were in a war, two creatures of expediency. They learnt to snatch whatever distractions they could. Let what was too ponderous, too intense, float between them in an unacknowledged limbo. Not one blessed word about their profounder thoughts passed between them, if indeed they had any. Just practicalities. Orders. Banter. ]
[ At the time that felt perfect. But Hei regretted it now. All along he'd thought he understood Amber, which was why her plans against the Syndicate had swept the floor from under him. What he has with Korra isn't a repetition of that. But it runs every risk of becoming one -- if he can't express himself. ]
[ He opens his mouth to try. But a cold flare of anger spikes, and what comes out is, ]
Shut. Up.
[ Something about the phrase -- maybe something about how Hei uses it when he's run out of patience and is speechless and stupid with anger ... it should tell Korra plenty about his state of mind. He narrows his eyes at her. Not threateningly, but so she knows he's serious. Pushes himself into the silence, and continues, his voice hard, calm enough to beat back any internal warnings to withdraw. ] I'm not in the mood for jokes. Happiness isn't something I can have, back home. It makes you stupid. It gets you killed. You learn to subsist on nothing. To try to feel nothing, and you should believe it because I'm telling you. Because I've lived it. Every day since I was a child.
[ He swallows. It hurts to speak. ] Feeling happy again ... or at least remembering what happy was ... It shut my brain down. It made me feel helpless, and that ... terrified me.
[ He sounds almost pleading, like maybe she'll know what that means. ]
no subject
[ Hei's learnt to live with racing currents of hatred and need and want snarling beneath his skin and never touching his surface. Learnt to deaden himself to the world, but never to turn his back or his face on it. This situation ... is completely beyond his frame of reference. Because he and Amber never discussed their situation. Never spoke about the repercussions of attraction and attachment. They were in a war, two creatures of expediency. They learnt to snatch whatever distractions they could. Let what was too ponderous, too intense, float between them in an unacknowledged limbo. Not one blessed word about their profounder thoughts passed between them, if indeed they had any. Just practicalities. Orders. Banter. ]
[ At the time that felt perfect. But Hei regretted it now. All along he'd thought he understood Amber, which was why her plans against the Syndicate had swept the floor from under him. What he has with Korra isn't a repetition of that. But it runs every risk of becoming one -- if he can't express himself. ]
[ He opens his mouth to try. But a cold flare of anger spikes, and what comes out is, ]
Shut. Up.
[ Something about the phrase -- maybe something about how Hei uses it when he's run out of patience and is speechless and stupid with anger ... it should tell Korra plenty about his state of mind. He narrows his eyes at her. Not threateningly, but so she knows he's serious. Pushes himself into the silence, and continues, his voice hard, calm enough to beat back any internal warnings to withdraw. ] I'm not in the mood for jokes. Happiness isn't something I can have, back home. It makes you stupid. It gets you killed. You learn to subsist on nothing. To try to feel nothing, and you should believe it because I'm telling you. Because I've lived it. Every day since I was a child.
[ He swallows. It hurts to speak. ] Feeling happy again ... or at least remembering what happy was ... It shut my brain down. It made me feel helpless, and that ... terrified me.
[ He sounds almost pleading, like maybe she'll know what that means. ]